Never Ever Again
by Crysania
Summary: Charming stumbles into the Dark Castle and thinks Rumplestiltskin and Jefferson are a couple. Belle must set them straight. A remix of Well That Was Awkward.


He hates coming to this place. Every time he has to, and he has to quite often, it's like another trial by fire. It's almost getting ridiculous. He steps up to the doors of the Dark Castle and they _open_ for him, as if he lives here. He swears they sigh and simply part when he steps up this day.

But that's ridiculous. It's just a castle. And so Charming steps inside it and feels the press of the owner's magic all around him.

A potion.

He's here for a potion.

For Snow.

She was insistent, which was odd in and of itself. She _always_ railed against his going to Rumplestiltskin. But this time she had grabbed his collar with a strength he didn't know she had and told him he _would_ go to Rumplestiltskin…or he'd regret it.

Pregnancy.

He had no idea what he was in for.

"Rumplestiltskin!" He shouts the imp's name and hears it echoing back to him. And hears nothing. He waits. Because if he gives him enough time, the ridiculous creature will no doubt appear close behind him and whisper something heinous in his ear.

There's always been something _off_ about him, really. He comes too close, grins a little too widely. Charming feels like he has to wrap his cloak around himself and remind the imp he's not here _for that_ and he's not interested, thank you very much.

There are no stories, of course. None about the imp with women. None about the imp with _men_ either but Charming often wonders if they're simply too scared to say what everyone is thinking. He's too fey, too damned _giggly_ , to be…well… _normal_. One does not think "normal" when they look at Rumplestiltskin after all, and the way he always seems to be just a little too close, a little too _something_ , makes it clear he _isn't_ a normal man.

Well, the skin does that too.

And the creepy eyes.

And the wild hair.

But he could overlook that if he didn't _flirt_ with him, didn't sometimes whisper things in his ear, didn't meet his eyes just a little too often.

And then there was that time he winked at him. He'd really rather forget that, thank you very much.

He calls out for the imp again and hears nothing. For a moment at least. Then he hears a grunt from somewhere up in the castle and a shout. It's incoherent, but he's certain that it didn't come from Rumplestiltskin. The voice was not high-pitched enough. It was masculine though and that probably should have been the first clue that he should walk out the door and fake a potion for Snow. She probably wouldn't know the difference anyway.

But he doesn't. He grits his teeth and rushes up the stairs, hand on the hilt of his sword. It's better to be prepared for _anything_ when rushing headlong into the Dark One's castle.

Not that he could have prepared for the site of Rumplestiltskin kneeling on the ground, a man bent over in front of him and _Oh Gods what were they doing_. Charming shields his eyes and backs up. _No no no_. "Oh Gods I'm sorry."

He had known it all along he supposes. But it's not like he needed to _see_ it to have such proof. Disrupting the Dark One and his…lover?...was perhaps far more than Charming needed for proof.

"I'll just be…"

"Oh do _stay_ , Charming." He opens his eyes to see Rumplestiltskin standing and glaring at him. The other man has crawled up off the floor and for a moment he has the most terrible thought…why was the shorter man… _no_ …his mind cannot go there.

"I'm sorry."

"Oh never you mind that," the other man says and reaches down to grab the hat that's sitting on the ground.

"That's _my_ hat," the Dark One grumbles.

"It was supposed to be your hat," the other man points out. Congenial. That's how Charming might describe him. He's smiling at the imp and isn't that the most frightening thing he's ever seen. "But you didn't come through, now did you?"

Rumplestiltskin grumbles again.

Charming backs up a pace. "I'll just be…"

"Oh what _is_ it that you want already?" Rumplestiltskin snaps the words at him and the other man laughs.

"Temper, temper my dear Rumple," he says and puts a hand on the imp's shoulder.

The imp pulls away and he's thankful for that much at least. He doesn't need to see a _moment_ between these two. It's bad enough he's been worried all these months ( _years?_ he wonders) that Rumplestiltskin wants to do such things with _him_. But to see intimate moments between these two men might be more than he can handle. And it's not even that it's two men. It's that one of the men is not a _man_ at all.

"Jefferson," Rumplestiltskin growls and the other man backs up with a small smirk, hands raised.

"A potion," Charming finally says. He needs to stop this before it leads to more flirtations, to not one of them but _two_ of them flirting with him. The other man, Jefferson, waves him on with a graceful motion of his wrist and Rumplestiltskin just rolls his eyes.

There's a history there.

He does not need to be privy to any more of it than he's seen already this day.

"What sort of potion?" Rumplestiltskin asks and Charming finds himself taking a step backward at the imp's glare.

"Snow, she's…"

"Pregnant, yes of course," Rumplestiltskin interrupts with.

Charming just shakes his head. "How on earth did you know that?"

Jefferson stands and comes closer and damn him doesn't he get just _too close_ to Charming. "He can read minds, my dear boy, don't you know that?"

Charming's eyes widen and Jefferson laughs. If he can…

"I don't read minds," Rumplestiltskin snaps. "Haven't I told you to stop spreading that ridiculous rumor?"

"My dear Rumple, if people think you can read their minds, then they'll _always_ be honest with you." Jefferson points this out as if it's obvious. It is, Charming supposes. He certainly wouldn't have been thinking such things about either of them if he thought Rumplestiltskin could pick up those thoughts.

"I'm the Dark One," the imp shoots back with.

Also a good point, Charming realizes. You don't deal with the Dark One and then try to fleece him. It's simply not done. Not if you want to keep your life. Or your first born.

He wants to keep his first born. Very much so.

"Snow wants a potion to stop her morning sickness." There. He'd said it.

And what does he get for it?

Rumplestiltskin looking rather incredulous.

The imp's lover bursting out in laughter.

"Can't she go to that damned fairy she loves so much for that?" Rumplestiltskin asks.

Jefferson is still laughing.

"Blue said it was out of her jurisdiction."

Rumplestiltskin snorts. "She _would_ say that."

Jefferson lets out another laugh. "Oh come now, Rumple, be fair to the little flea."

The imp shoots him a dark look and Jefferson backs off.

"Look," Charming starts to say.

"Yes yes, I can make you a potion. But it's going to cost you." Rumplestiltskin says the last as he prances over ( _prances, dear Gods let me get out of here_ ), one finger pointed at Charming's chest.

"Rumple." The voice that comes from behind Charming sounds irritated. And decidedly feminine.

He whirls around to see the woman come sweeping into the room, dressed as he would expect any queen to be. She's a tiny little thing, but she's draped in expensive fabrics, blue like her eyes, and fine gold threads, the likes of which he's heard rumor Rumplestiltskin himself spins from straw.

She is comfortable here.

And the imp seems to be somewhat less comfortable now that she's arrived.

"Yes dear?" he says and Charming is sure he's almost distracted by the woman's presence.

She gives him a look, lips pressed together, eyes slightly narrowed, before turning to Jefferson. "Jefferson darling, I had no idea you were coming for a visit." Her voice has a lilting accent he hasn't heard before.

The other man bows low before her. "My Queen."

"You know I'm no queen," she says with a rather musical laugh.

"You are _here_ ," Jefferson says and shoots a look to Rumplestiltskin.

"Of course you are my dear," Rumplestiltskin says and steps close to her, brings her hand to his lips, pressing a chaste kiss there. There's a warm look in the young woman's eyes as she smiles at the imp.

Jefferson steps closer to the woman and whispers something in her ear that causes her to laugh once more. He's almost sure it's something about taking her away if she ever tires of _him_. He doesn't know who "him" is, but Belle moves closer to Rumplestiltskin and simply smiles at the other man.

He doesn't know what she is to these two men.

He's not sure he wants to find out.

"What's it going to cost me?" Charming finally says with a sigh. He needs to escape. Before this goes further than it already has. The way the woman stands between the two men, the way Rumplestiltskin wraps an arm around her waist, almost possessive in nature, the way the other man looks at the two of them.

He's starting to wonder if all three of them were involved in…Gods, he wouldn't even allow his mind to go there.

"I think he suffers enough," Belle says and Rumplestiltskin gives her a sharp look. "Don't you, darling?"

Is she actually batting her eyes at the imp? Yes, Charming realizes. She is. She's flirting with the imp and damned if Rumplestiltskin doesn't capitulate.

He grumbles.

But he capitulates.

"Yes of course. Pregnant women and all that."

He watches as Belle puts a hand over her belly and both of the men smile.

"I don't even want to know whose the baby is," he mutters.

"Pardon?" Rumplestiltskin says and there's a dark edge to his voice.

"Look, this is all getting a little too…" He can't get any more words out because the woman, tiny slip of a thing really, pushes away from the men and comes to stand in front of him.

"It's my husband's of course," she says and there's both anger and resignation behind the words. Almost as if she expects him to accuse her of such things.

"Your…"

"Yes," she says and when she looks back at Rumplestiltskin, understanding dawns. Her husband. Rumplestiltskin. The imp is this woman's husband.

Rumplestiltskin flits closer to him again, puts himself between his pregnant wife and Charming. "I'll not have you telling anyone that the Dark One is married."

"I…" Charming looks from her to Rumplestiltskin to Jefferson, who is still smirking, and back to Rumplestiltskin. "Of course not."

"Excellent. I suppose this potion will buy your silence?" As he speaks, he gestures oddly with his hand, a little flamboyant thing he had seen him do multiple times before, and a bottle with a liquid a most hideous shade of green appears in it.

"Yes…well…that's fine. Yes. I won't tell anyone."

"Excellent," Rumplestiltskin says, the word high-pitched and punctuated by one of his giggles. "Then I suppose the deal is made. You can see yourself out, yes?"

He doesn't give him a chance to respond, turning back to his wife (his _wife?_ What was the world coming to anyway?).

Charming turns to leave, but then stops. He has to know. He doesn't even know why he has to know. But it's weighing on him and he _has to_. "Just one thing before I go?"

Rumplestiltskin turns back to him and Belle steps to his side, her blue eyes rapt with curiosity. "Yes, dearie? Be quick about it."

"So you and her…"

"Yes yes we've established that already. You _do_ know how babies are made, don't you? I would have assumed, but maybe…"

Charming shook his head. "Yes. No. I mean, that's not what I wanted to know." He feels as exasperated as he always does in the imp's presence.

"Then go on."

Charming takes a deep breath. "So you and him?" He points a finger at Jefferson, lets the thought hang.

"Me and him?" And damn him if he isn't going to make him spell the whole bloody thing out.

"You and him aren't…together?" It's the best he can do.

And it's greeted by laughter. Not from one person but from three. Jefferson is the first to burst out, followed by Belle. And finally, Rumplestiltskin's stunned look transforms into one of mirth.

That's all the answer Charming needs really. He's already embarrassed himself enough that day. He turns, face red, and rushes out of the castle, laugher and cries of _He thought we were a couple!_ following him all the way out until the door finally cuts the noise off from his ears.

"The things I do for Snow," he mutters as he sets off down the path to home, vowing to never ever come back to that damned castle again.


End file.
